"I was in awe.
My return cross Atlantic trip from Frankfurt to Newark was going to occur in opulence and luxury in a 21st century, Boeing 767 wonder world of self indulgence.
Not only had I scored a Business Class Fully Reclining Seat with Frequent Flyer Miles, I had also garnered the coveted Seat 1D location.
Center Aisle. Bulkhead. Maximum leg room, maximum space from other passengers.
I witnessed a veritable parade of culinary delights, a non stop express of epicurean pleasures dancing across my palate. Curry chicken, tomato egg plant legumes, a demitasse of piquant chili soup, chive coucous, made-to-order gourmet ice cream dishes, fluffy pastries, exotic chocolates, and of course, the coveted steaming wet hot towels on tongs.... I got tired of saying "Thank you" to the subservient flight attendants. I kept waiting for one of them to ask me if I'd like someone to read me a bed time story, or massage my feet.
Skimming through both the Financial Times AND the Wall Street Journal, with a mind boggling myriad of video and audio entertainment choices at my fingertips, I pondered, nibbling my warm macadamia nut and white chocolate chunk cookie, while sipping cold milk....HOW did I score THIS ?
Suddenly a shooting pain occurred in my right foot.
Something was in my shoe....bothering my big toe....
Stuck in my shoe, was a small Eurodollar coin...
AND THEN, I REMEMBERED...
This trip, I was prepared !
I was ready !
The coin was actually my 100% guarantee of success while parasitically sucking perks off the airlines.
What was it, you ask ?
Why, it was my.....
ST. JASON THE MUNIFICENT, PATRON SAINT OF FREQUENT FLIERS, LUCKY EURODOLLAR MEDALLION ( Copyright 2008 and all patents pending ) !!!!!
That's right, thanks to my paying homage to St. Jason, I had scored BIG benefits against those greedy major airlines.
The magical image of St. Jason the Munificent had once again worked it's powers in the computers of the Airlines, and they were helpless to do ANYTHING against me ! Just carrying the coin in my shoe was my assurance against any and all threats against my Frequent Flyer status, and provided that added edge I really needed to get that fabulous 1D Center Aisle Bulkhead seat. And I will be relishing these memories for years to come....
IF YOU TOO WANT THAT KIND OF EDGE WHEN YOU TRAVEL, TO OBTAIN A ST JASON THE MUNIFICENT LUCKY FREQUENT FLYER EURODOLLAR MEDALLION, JUST FORWARD THIS EMAIL ON TO TEN FRIENDS, ACQUAINTANCES, OR FAMILY MEMBERS, TEAR UP YOUR LATEST PAPER FREQUENT FLYER MILES MONTHLY STATEMENT FROM A MAJOR AIRLINE, AND THROW THE SHREDDED SCRAPS OVER YOUR RIGHT SHOULDER, THEN IMMEDIATELY ( DO NOT DELAY ! ) CALL COLE INDUSTRIES NIGERIAN SUBSIDIARY EXECUTIVE HOTLINE (
* The nominal fee varies by location, and local currency exchange rates. Additional surcharges for shipping, handling, and escrow may apply for wire transfers or other complicated transactions through Swiss or Nigerian accounts.
Cole Industries, LLC, which markets and distributes the "St. Jason the Munificent, Patron Saint of Frequent Fliers Lucky Eurodollar Medallion" (SJMPSOFFLEM), is a division of Discospock.com, with offices conveniently located in Port Quagmire in the island of Lower Flemish Equatorial Tasmania. Cole Industries, LLC, notes that Mr. Gard is not a duly authorised, official spokesperson for the SJMPSOFFLEM product, but we welcome the free advertising. Cole Industries, LLC, is delighted that our SJMPSOFFLEM product made Mr. Gard's flight a truly opulent experience he will never forget. It is clear that his Total Flight Experience would have been horrifying had he not purchased and properly used the SJMPSOFFLEM. We have reports from customers who purchased an SJMPSOFFLEM, but because they failed to bring it with them on a flight: (1) were immediately killed in a horrid plane crash and subsequent fire; (2) were executed or immolated by terrorists in Business Class; (3) committed suicide mid-flight by jumping to their deaths through an opened exit door (most likely due to the horrid food served in Economy Class); (4) were assigned seats next to Guiness-Record-holding largest humans; or (5) were unnecessarily hassled by ticket agents who ultimately placed them in the cargo hold for involuntary transport to their final destination. In one instance, the passengers who forgot their SJMPSOFFLEM and who were placed in the cargo hold of an Air Pakistan flight were inadvertently misrouted to Greenland. Their bodies were never recovered.
Cole Industries, LLC, does not recommend placing the SJMPSOFFLEM into checked baggage as its effectiveness may be significantly reduced. Certain unknown chemical compounds emitted and synthesized by the SJMPSOFFLEM have been known to cause cancer in the state of California. In the event that an SJMPSOFFLEM product is accidentally swallowed, it is recommended that the victim be humanely euthanised as soon as possible before The Abomination occurs.
Due to extremely high call volume and high demand for this product, only one per customer per household per country will be allowed at this time. Various litigation and regional shipping disruptions may delay receipt of your SJMPSOFFLEM for up to 90 days. We are working with our Nigerian suppliers and Bulgarian zinc-gold platers to remedy this situation. For your convenience we offer same-year shipping. Operators are standing by to take your money.